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If you’ve ever tried to get a student to open up after a tough moment, you know it rarely works to sit them down and ask, “So what happened?” Most kids will shut down, shrug, or give the shortest answer possible. Sometimes they even get more agitated. I learned early on that for many children, the best way to process emotions isn’t to talk about themselves directly. It is to talk about something else first.
This is what I call the Third Thing Strategy. The “third thing” is any object, picture, or game that becomes the focus instead of the child. When we talk about the puppet or the drawing or the game piece, the child feels less exposed. The object takes on the heavy emotion, while the student gets to keep their dignity.
Researchers have pointed out that play is one of the main ways children make sense of the world, and I guarantee you’ve seen it in action. Vivian Paley described play as the language of children, and it often gives them a safer path to share their experiences (Paley, 2004). Child life specialists in hospitals often do the same thing. They frequently use dolls or puppets so a child can “show” what happened rather than having to describe it about themselves (Rollins et al., 2018).
Why this works
At the core of this strategy is psychological distance. When we put the focus on an outside object, the child does not feel the same level of threat or embarrassment. I regularly use this concept when teaching behavioral strategies by using hypothetical scenarios. Marc Brackett from the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence has written about how this distance helps children pause and reflect without feeling overwhelmed by the emotion itself (Brackett & Rivers, 2014). For kids who have experienced trauma, Dr. Bruce Perry reminds us that play and rhythm often come before language. The nervous system has to settle before a conversation can even begin.
How to set it up
The first step is to pick the right third thing. It should be simple and open ended. A puppet, a set of feeling cards, a whiteboard with stick figures, a Jenga game, or even a pile of blocks can all work.
Start with play and keep it light. Let the child get comfortable with the object first. Once they are engaged, you can pivot toward meaning. Use third person language in the beginning. Instead of “Why did you do that?” you might say, “What’s going on with Bear today?” Over time, if the student feels ready, you can move into “I” statements.
What it looks like in practice
One of my go-to examples of “the third thing” is Puppet Chat. You hold up a bear puppet and say, “Bear looks tight in the shoulders. Can you show Bear two deep breaths?” The child models breathing for the puppet. Then you follow with, “When Bear was in line today, what got in the way?” You’re not asking them to confess or defend themselves. You’re asking them to help Bear, which is much safer. You can also have the puppet use a coping strategy you would love the child to begin using or trying, like these breathing mats.
Another favorite is using emotion cards. Lay the cards out and sort them into three piles: shows up a lot, sometimes, and not much. From there, you can say, “Pick one card from the first pile. What would help this feeling get a little smaller?”
Whiteboards also work wonders as the third thing, and they’re always readily available. Draw a three-panel comic strip. The first frame is today, the second is the tricky moment, the third is what could happen next time. Invite the student to change the words or pictures. Ask, “What should frame two say?” Suddenly you are co-creating a plan instead of interrogating them.
Games can serve the same purpose. While playing Connect Four or Jenga, set a rule that each turn comes with one question both of you answer. Keep the questions simple and open. “What helps you when you feel crowded?” feels casual and often sparks real answers because the game keeps the spotlight off the child.
Tips for success
Keep these conversations short. A few minutes is usually plenty. End on something positive, like naming one small plan or repair. Offer the student a take-away, maybe a doodle or a sticker, so they leave with a reminder of the strategy. And most importantly, do not demand eye contact. Let them keep their eyes on the puppet, the drawing, or the game. That’s where the safety comes from.
Research on therapeutic play shows that when children use objects to externalize emotions, they display more coping strategies and self-expression than when they are asked direct questions (Koller, 2008). So the strategy is not only practical, it is evidence-based.
A quick plan to try tomorrow
When you want to use the Third Thing Strategy, keep it simple.
- Choose your third thing.
- Decide how it fits today’s situation.
- Think of one safe, open question.
- End with one next step or small repair.
The Third Thing Strategy is not complicated, but it is powerful.
It creates safety. It keeps students from feeling like they are on trial. And it reminds us that our job is not to force kids to talk, but to create the conditions that make talking possible.
Sometimes those conditions look like a puppet or a whiteboard sketch. Sometimes they look like a simple game played side by side. And often, once you start using “the third thing”, students will begin bringing their own. A stuffed animal, a favorite doodle, even a fidget toy can be the third thing and become the bridge into the conversation they are finally ready to have.
If you’re looking for more concrete, meaningful, and highly effective behavioral resources, do NOT sleep on my new book, Their Best Behavior! It released in June 2025, and it’s the perfect support for classroom teachers.
