How do you respond when a student misbehaves? What we generally are looking for is that students own up and take responsibility for their actions. Most traditional behavior conversations focus on what a student did wrong—but this often leads to defensiveness, power struggles, and sometimes behaviors just escalating.
Instead of asking “Why did you do that?”, try this one simple question to encourage real reflection:
“What could you have done differently?”
This question shifts the focus from blame to problem-solving, helping students learn from their mistakes and take ownership of their actions.
Why Traditional Behavior Reflection Doesn’t Work
Many students struggle to process why they made a poor choice, leading to:
❌ Defensiveness (“I don’t know why I did it!”)
❌ Avoidance (“It wasn’t my fault!”)
❌ Repeated behavior problems
Students who don’t take responsibility for their actions often become the “high fliers” or “repeat offenders” of similar behavioral struggles.
Research on restorative practices tells us that when students reflect on how their actions affect others, they develop greater accountability and are less likely to repeat the behavior.
A study by the University of Chicago’s Education Lab found that schools using restorative practices saw a 21% reduction in student arrests and significant decreases in suspensions. The research highlights that punitive approaches (like suspensions or immediate consequences) often fail to change student behavior in the long term, while restorative conversations lead to meaningful behavioral shifts.
By using a single, solution-focused question, students can begin to reflect on what they can change moving forward instead of getting stuck in guilt or excuses.
The root of this simple question is restorative practices.
How to Use This Restorative Reflection Question
1️⃣ One-on-One Conversations
Instead of a long lecture (which is overwhelming for literally everyone involved), ask students:
✔️ “What could you have done differently?”
✔️ “What’s a better choice for next time?”
If they say “Nothing,” follow up with:
🗣️ “If you had to pick just one thing, even if it’s small, what would it be?”
This lowers defensiveness and encourages real reflection without making the student feel attacked.
2️⃣ Quick Written Reflection Sheets
A simple prompt with only two prompts makes reflection easy:
📝 What happened?
📝 What could I have done differently?
Having students write their own responses increases accountability and self-awareness. Research supports that when students actively engage in restorative conversations or written reflections, they are more likely to make lasting behavioral changes.
This can be an entry point for building students who take responsibility for their actions.
3️⃣ Restorative Peer Chats
Students can use this question to reflect after peer conflicts.
Example:
👫 Student A: “You hurt my feelings when you ignored me.”
👬 Student B: “I could have included you instead of ignoring you.”
These short, structured conversations help rebuild relationships without blame and prevent conflicts from escalating.
A report from Edutopia on restorative conversations found that schools implementing structured peer dialogues saw improved student relationships, increased empathy, and a reduction in repeat conflicts.
Example in Action
Scenario: A student blurts out during a lesson.
❌ Old approach: “You know better than to interrupt!”
✅ New approach: “What could you have done differently?”
Student Response: “I could have raised my hand.”
What changed? Instead of feeling punished, the student identified their own better choice—making them more likely to correct the behavior in the future.
Why This Restorative Strategy Works
✔️ Encourages students to take responsibility for their actions
✔️ Builds self-reflection skills
✔️ Keeps behavior conversations brief and meaningful
✔️ Prevents power struggles and defensiveness
Schools that have moved away from punitive discipline in favor of restorative conversations report lower suspension rates, stronger student-teacher relationships, and improved classroom climates.
Instead of punishing, we are teaching. Instead of reacting, we are restoring.
