I am asked constantly what the best “trick” or “hack” is in working with tough students. And what I really hear, and know, when someone says this, is: kids that are HARD to like. It can be difficult to admit as a teacher, but there are always going to be tough students that can be harder to like. Often times they have found it easier to get their needs met if they push and push. If we’re being honest, sometimes us teachers have that mentality, too!
Bear with me…
Have you ever learned how, back in the day, people in South India trapped monkeys? (Ok, I really promise, this WILL have something to do with relationship building.) The trap includes a hollowed-out coconut that is chained to a tree. The coconut also has sweet rice inside, to entice the monkey to the trap. The hole is the perfect size for the monkey to fit its opened hand inside, but when the monkey clenches its fist around the sweet rice, it cannot remove its fist from the coconut. The monkey is trapped – but not really! It’s trapped by the idea of the rice, that it wants really badly, and cannot seem to wrap its mind around letting the rice go, so he can be free. And now, because of an expectation or idea, the monkey is literally trapped. (Ok, so this is probably a fable, but a good one, nonetheless!)
This story could be used in so many situations in our lives.
I find it to be perfectly suited when discussing tough students and relationship building. Often times, us teachers have an idea of what our classrooms should look like and how our students should respond to our carefully planned classroom management strategies (the sweet rice). And it makes sense! Most teachers have gone through extensive teacher training programs and taught for decades with strategies that usually work. It’s hard to “let the rice go” and release the fist to be free. This can lead to us accepting a plot twist and trying something new. I promise, with time and consistency, some of these relationship building ideas can help create trust, bonds, and safety which will in turn slowly begin a new set of behaviors.
Why relationship building?
Dr. Charles Basch has extensively studied positive teacher-student relationships. He’s found them associated with increasing a feeling of student safety at school, reduces absenteeism, decreases risk taking behaviors, increases test scores, and development of resilience.
A lot of our tough students who are showing these disruptive and difficult behaviors also have experienced trauma and now have unhealthy attachment to others.
What can you do?
My first piece of advice is while it’s harder to build a relationship later in the year, it’s never too late. Start tomorrow! Here’s a few simple ideas for building relationships.
Spend 3 minutes daily getting to know the student. Only 3 minutes! Ask them a few questions. Who do you spend the most time with outside of school? What do you like to eat for dinner? Are you watching any TV shows? What’s your favorite sports team?
Then, follow up. Watch an episode of the TV show, start checking the stats on their favorite team. This will help you with conversations, as well as letting them know you’re listening and paying attention. Add some of these interests into your lessons!
Praise in public, correct in private. Praising (some) students publicly can already be a huge bridge. Sometimes it’s hard, if your student appears to be rarely doing what they’re supposed to. If that is the case, change your focus. Is the student sitting? Praise them. Did they raise their hand, even for a millisecond, before talking out? Praise that. Are they wearing their uniform shirt? Praise! ARE THEY IN ATTENDANCE? Praise! Find small things to start off with praise. BUT, please remember that this is also where knowing your student is important. There are some students who are wildly embarrassed and uncomfortable with outward displays of praise. Be careful and deliberate in how you execute this to ensure you’re really meeting your student’s need. You could differentiate this by giving a note to them or even a smile/thumbs up with a whisper of praise.
Correcting in private is a real necessity. If you must correct in public, begin by being discreet or attempting to use humor to diffuse the challenging behavior. Students may continue displaying challenging behavior because they’ve been embarrassed and shamed by outward, public corrections.
Create an engaging behavior plan. And make sure it’s one YOU CAN FOLLOW. There is one sure-fire way to hurt a relationship, and that’s to not follow through with something of importance. If a behavior plan is too complicated or time consuming to execute – say something! Speak up with your team. Make it simple and meaningful, and get student input to ensure that it stays exciting and motivating.
Restore your relationship when something happens. School is busy, and complicated, and has rules. Just because you’re working on a positive relationship doesn’t mean that events won’t happen that don’t go so well. This doesn’t have to start you back at step one, but it will require some restorative conversations. If something comes up that strains your relationship, don’t ignore it. Talk about it! A relationship is a two-way street, and it’s okay that you share with the student how their behavior made you feel, but do so carefully. Acknowledge feelings, listen, and be honest about consequences and how the event affected everyone involved. I like using these behavior think sheets to help debrief behavioral challenges when they arise. Once the conversation is over, move on! Treat the next moment as a clean slate, and move forward.
Tough students don’t have to be tough. We can build the bridge and help them feel that connection they’re undoubtedly searching for, regardless of how they show it.
