Unfortunately, I am certain that you know that perspective taking is a skill that does not magically appear just because a child can recite the classroom rules. Thaaaat would be too simple. Some kids are masters at it, while others look at you like you’re speaking another language when you say things like, “How do you think that made her feel?”
Enter Robert Selman. Selman broke down how kids develop the ability to understand someone else’s point of view. It is surprisingly helpful if you work with children who sometimes believe the world revolves around them – which is all children (And also some adults).
The beauty of Selman’s work is that it gives us a map. When we understand where a student is in their perspective taking development, we can respond in ways that meet them where they are instead of expecting them to operate ten steps ahead.
Let’s break it down in a real, teacher friendly way.
First, What Even Is Perspective Taking?
Perspective taking is the ability to understand that someone else can think, feel, or interpret a situation differently from you. We take it for granted as adults, but kids are learning this as they go. It takes time and practice. And it takes more than saying, “Put yourself in their shoes” to a kid who can barely keep track of their own shoes.
Selman’s stages help us see this growth more clearly.
Stage 0: Egocentric
Age range: usually early childhood, but some older students hang out here when they are dysregulated or overwhelmed.
At this stage, kids genuinely do not understand that others have different thoughts or feelings. They assume that everyone sees what they see and knows what they know. It’s not selfishness. Their brain is just not there yet.
In the classroom, this looks like:
• The student who grabs a marker someone else is using because “I wanted it.”
• The student who gets upset because a friend “should know” they were joking, even though the friend is crying.
• The student who believes that your five minute warning applies only to everyone else.
How we support them:
Keep it simple: Narrate feelings & label what you see. “You wanted the red marker. She is using it. That feels frustrating.” No lectures or demands for deep empathy – their brain is not set up for that (yet).
Stage 1: Social Informational
Kids begin to realize others have different thoughts, but they assume this is because others have different information. They believe that if everyone had the same facts, everyone would think the same thing.
In the classroom, this shows up as:
• “He was mad because he didn’t hear me say sorry.”
• “She thinks I took her paper but I didn’t!”
• “He only thinks that because he doesn’t know the whole story.”
Honestly, a lot of classroom conflicts live here.
How we support them:
Give kids tools to communicate clearly & encourage them to check in. Model phrases like “Here’s what I was thinking,” or “I want you to know my side.” This is also a great stage for role plays because they’re really starting to get it.
Stage 2: Self Reflective
Kids can actually look at a situation from someone else’s point of view. They can imagine what someone else might be feeling and how their own behavior plays a role. It is still one person at a time though. They cannot yet hold two perspectives in their mind at once.
In the classroom, this looks like:
• “I think she got mad because she thought I ignored her.”
• “If I was him, I’d feel embarrassed too.”
• “He probably didn’t think I wanted to play anymore.”
This is where you start seeing kids make real behavioral shifts because they can understand the consequences beyond themselves.
How we support them:
Ask those classic perspective questions. “How do you think she felt when that happened?” “If you were in his place, what would you think?” They can actually answer meaningfully now! This is a perfect time to start using hypothetical scenarios to practice this. Task cards like these are a golden opportunity that can be used in centers, during transition times, or as early finisher tasks.
Stage 3: Mutual
Kids can now consider their own perspective and someone else’s perspective at the same time. They see how each influences the other and can think more flexibly while understanding that feelings are shaped by relationships, expectations, and social context.
Cue the angels singing!!!!!
In the classroom, this looks like:
• “We were both frustrated. I thought he was being rude, and he thought I was taking too long.”
• “She thought I ignored her because she expected me to help.”
• “We were both trying to be right.”
This is where conflict resolution gets more productive, because kids can hold both sides of the story.
How we support them:
Guide them through collaborative problem solving. They are ready!! They can brainstorm solutions that consider both perspectives. This is where your SEL lessons come alive. Also, great time to start using Think Sheets to make reflection productive and meaningful.
Stage 4: Societal
Older kids and adolescents can understand how larger social rules and norms shape perspectives. They might say things like “People expect boys to act tough” or “She thought I was cheating because that’s how she plays the game.”
In the classroom, this might look like:
• Understanding fairness vs equality
• Noticing peer pressure
• Recognizing unspoken group rules
• Questioning how expectations differ across settings
Kids here are basically amateur sociologists and psychologists. It is impressive 🙂
How we support them:
Have the big conversations. Talk about fairness. Talk about group norms. Talk about how relationships are shaped by culture. This is where advisory groups, restorative circles, and debate activities can truly shine.
Why This Matters for Teachers
Once you see the stages, you cannot unsee them. The kid who seems “rude” may simply be operating at Stage 0. The kid who “won’t see your side” might actually be stuck in Stage 1. The students who seem surprisingly insightful are probably in Stage 3 or 4.
It helps you stop expecting skills a child does not have yet, and helps you teach the skills they actually need.
When kids struggle with conflict, the problem is almost always a mismatch between the skill we’re expecting and the one they have. Selman’s framework helps us fill that gap on purpose instead of guessing.
How to Use This Tomorrow
• Teach perspective taking directly.
• Narrate thinking. “You thought he was laughing at you. He thought you were joking.”
• Use picture books or short clips to identify what different characters might be thinking.
• Keep conflict repair concrete for kids in the early stages.
• Let older students reflect more deeply and lead problem solving.
• Remember that dysregulation pushes kids backward. A Stage 3 kid in meltdown may temporarily be at Stage 0.
Final Thought
Perspective taking is not natural for everyone. It grows little by little. Selman gives us a clear way to see that growth and support it in a way that actually fits how kids develop.
And when students learn to understand another point of view, everything in the classroom gets easier. Conflict. Group work. Conversations. Even lining up after recess becomes less dramatic.
Teaching perspective taking is not extra – it is foundational. It is how kids learn to be in community with one another. And it is something every teacher can support with small, everyday interactions.
